Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Suffocated with constant questions
Intriguing puzzle people inclines to know
Silence does not step them even blown
 "How are you doing? Are guys go "no"?"


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Monday, September 10, 2018

I will never let the day to end without me being and feeling fine. 
I am so in hopeless light
Yet I will fight for the stability 
My hanging hope will be pulled
And again, I WILL SURVIVE THE DAY

Forgiveness is hard to give to oneself, but I need to stand and feel the lightness 
I need to believe that I STILL deserve to be happy and smile
So, afternoon until night, I WILL BE FINE. 

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Thanks Michelle Branch!

Turn it inside out so I can seeThe part of you that's drifting over meAnd when I wake you're never thereBut when I sleep you're everywhereYou're everywhereJust tell me how I got this farJust tell me why you're here and who you are'Cause every time I lookYou're never thereAnd every time I sleepYou're always there'Cause you're everywhere to meAnd when I close my eyes it's you I seeYou're everything I knowThat makes me believeI'm not aloneI'm not aloneI recognize the way you make me feelIt's hard to think thatYou might not be realI sense it now, the water's getting deepI try to wash the pain away from meAway from me'Cause you're everywhere to meAnd when I close my eyes it's you I seeYou're everything I knowThat makes me believeI'm not aloneI'm not aloneI am not aloneWhoa, oh, oh, ohAnd when I touch your handIt's then I understandThe beauty that's withinIt's now that we beginYou always light my wayI hope there never comes a dayNo matter where I goI always feel you so'Cause you're everywhere to meAnd when I close my eyes it's you I seeYou're everything I knowThat makes me believeI'm not alone'Cause you're everywhere to meAnd when I catch my breathIt's you I breatheYou're everything I knowThat makes me believeI'm not aloneYou're in everyone I seeSo tell meDo you see me?



Wednesday, September 5, 2018

"Walang nabubuhay para sa sarili lamang. Tayong lahat ay tinipon ng Diyos, para sa isa't isa" 

But there are times I feel so tired doing responsibilities I am not accounted for. Bright side is, unconditional positive regard. Before I take my lunch, I feel like my body just want to lay down in a while on a bed, soft comfortable bed where I can just stare at the ceiling, think about life and happiness or roll over, release the stresses and reduce the tension saved throughout my whole body. 

I have never felt this much exhaustion, but for myself, I will still proclaim and continue to fight. I wish sometimes to be alone, live alone and just be alone. Be in solemnity of the place or just walk around a nature park. Just to have a peace in my mind. But that costs a lot. Once I attempt to do that, I will never stop on thinking about the responsibilities and the things I have to accomplish. I don't know what is wrong with me. I know I have anxiety, but I don't know. 

Thanks to the platform named writing, my symptoms cools down. 
-ididnotwritethisonmydailyjournal.-



Friday, August 31, 2018

Stealing a minute again from my work sched.
I am so into this review thing, to be honest, this is all I want to do. Study and review but what makes my life so thrilling is: I have loads of thing to accomplish and I am doing my best to balance everything to achieve it all. However, I know that always at the end of the day there will be this one thing that will stand out among the rest.
I am so focused of my things right now, but my priorities are clear and what matters most are clearer. This has been my achievement and I think I am okay with that. :D

I am so happy that I will have time again tomorrow to have review. =) YAY

Monday, August 20, 2018

82018

Stealing the remaining one minute from my work shift. I am really tired and exhausted. I want to eat a subway sandwich filled with vegetables except pickles.

I am glad that I survived this day, this is a very stressful day, and finally tomorrow my boss will be back from his schooling. :) I feel safer and okay whenever he is around, kind of watchful with other people if they will dare to mandate and command on me. Hah!

I miss doing blog entries, actually I am forbidding myself to put an entry, I'm saving my thoughts on my notebooks and journals. Just a privacy thingy. But obviously, I can't REALLY stop my hands from typing.

I did not win from the contest of Blue Mountain Arts, for the record, that was the only company I sent most poems I ever created. Maybe they're not just really into rhyming poems. Here at Philippines, tomorrow will be a holiday! No work and just rest!!! Hopefully. But even if there will be work, it will be okay and perfectly fine. I feel like I get weak when I don't work Haha.

But I planned to study for tomorrow if in any case there will be no duties from work. ;)
I love reading and its really a pleasurable thing to do, also I love to write!!! Most, I love to Pray :D

So long, got many thoughts to share yet will just write it on my 365 journal. :)

I really miss him.

** How many times did I used the word "Really"? Hahahaha

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Don't send me flowers
Send me flowers with you 

Friday, July 13, 2018

I will be doing social media hibernation and thinking about it very carefully. Will be doing sort of messaging my friends and close people to inform them so they will know where to reach me. :D

This could be a good start of building myself and achieving my dreams. I just really want to be purposeful on Earth. So bye for now. =)

Monday, July 2, 2018

Its been a year since Prutie died. Almost forgot it on the actual day.

Thank you Prut for making me feel the Love. Thank you Prut for the memories, I still terribly miss you. Please always guide and I hope we meet again. 
If the stories are true that Dogs don't have souls, I wish you are still with us in the best way God will ever allow. 

Love you always, Prutie. 

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Don't know what brought me here. One thing for sure, I miss typing my emotions.

Just a day left for this year, thinking... the year passed too fast! Reminiscing everything, so many things, events and scenes happened. I can't believe that I've surpassed it all.
I am excited for 2018. I don't know why. But I feel so tired. Hahahaaha.

Anyways. Will be sharing my resolutions on my next post. :)

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Time check 4:18 PM. Honestly, I don't know if I am doing the right thing. Doubting myself at its finest. I admit, Microeconomics is a hard subject to study, I underestimate its power. Thought its just about definition of terms and fixed equations. But I was wrong. Now, I am having hard time understanding the concepts. I don't want to quit this, because I know I should prove and show my boss that his trust will not be wasted. I just pray I can do this, and finish this soon. I am already having dreams about this. So, I really wish.....

Friday, September 8, 2017

While doing the book of my boss I finalized that :

-I will make my blog public

-Remove posts/notes not appropriate or TOO private to share here

-Fill my blog - reviews, story thoughts and ideas

-Cover my blog with positivity

-Share happy moments and memories (these are stories meant for sharing, except the private ones)

-Will organize everything

***I know this will take much time, and adjustments. Removing an almost 5 months of notes. Hahaha. I will just keep it somewhere. I really want to pursue my dream and passion. Hopefully people will read my blog. Yay.

I will start reviews about movies, drinks - foods, BOOKS

Ofcourse! Gonna share too my dogmoments. :D

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Hello

Its been a while. I'm thinking if I will make my blog in public again. So I am planning to delete all my personal notes here, but I'll leave some which I think its okay to share. :)


Since no one is asking me every day how is me, or how my day went, I will just put it here. Just what for this day.

I was not feeling well this morning, I woke up feeling dizzy and absorbing the ache of my head. I experienced a four hour drive coming home last night that's why I was not able to acquire a nice amount (hours) of sleep. Too bad. So I guess to estimate I only had 5 or 6. Did not took my breakfast in the house but I was not really well. I felt while on my way to work that I will vomit of any moment. Thank fully I did not.

So I reached the office veeeeeery early. And I ate my packed breakfast. Just a year ahead than me employee was in the pantry that time. There, I invited him to eat. He has his own breakfast and we ate, together. Though we don't talk, I was quiet as he was, still I felt that I have someone with - eating. Very accompanying. He turned on the airconditioning. Then the senior was surprised that I was early, its a sign that she's late because I came first than her. Hahaha.

I was not really well. I feel like I wanna vomit or collapse. I feel my stomach so heavy. I thought I want to evacuate. So I bought a green tea latte (sb) and had it over ice. He was there. I saw him. When I was in the counter, he hid beside and listened to us (other barista). He was dictating her (barista - as I can observe she's a new employee) what kind of order I want. Hahaha. Its always a matcha green tea. But I did not said frappe or something. Just something called. There was this another barista who asked if I'm really okay, I said its just my head - it hurts.

I really appreciate people who asks how's me.

Then I left with my order and started my day.
Did not know how I end up being okay. Just realized that I did not greet him, but its okay. I think we'll see each other again - soon  again. Hopefully. Hahahahahahaha

Saturday, August 12, 2017

In this world full of teachers and mentors.

I am the youngest in our family, while growing, I know things ahead before it happen.

I saw my crush, wanted to say hi and confess that I like him, but my friend refused me to - says its bad. So I didn't.

I wanted to buy a soft drink, but its not good for the health. So I craved and waited for my teens till I get mine.

I wanted to kiss the boy, but says I am too young. I never experienced one.

I wanted to hug the girl, in the street, but person beside me said she's dirty and I might get sick. So I left her.

I wanted to jump, in the building, just to see how the world will be when I'm all distanced and free. But its bad. So I didn't.

I wanted to tell you that I like you and I want you, but culture says, no let him pursue you.

All these precautions of life, all these do's and don'ts, all these rules and regulations and all these shits that life tells you even if it hasn't happened yet. Fuck it off.

How will the person learn if the anticipation happens before the scenario? Is it really safe to live in a safe place? Are we going to grow in the area where all things have results even without accompanied actions?

Fuck. How will you define a life of someone so urge and desireful to try things - to try the world - to try to get out of its comfort zone?

Being fed up is no good. Being taught of everything is no better. Being here sitting reading the hacks of life is the worst.

Saturday office thoughts.

Have you ever felt the situation where the world hated you and you're left with clueless reason?

Have you ever been in a relationship where in you tried your best yet you're never good enough?

Have you ever believed in hopeful things yet all you had were hopeless results?

Life is hard. Life is harder when life knocks you off. Life is hardest if you can't see the plug where the light can be turned on.

For most people who knows me, one thing common that they will describe upon me is that, I am a bad person.

It sucks. Even in the family, I know they will tell me that. Even if I have done many positive and good things, they will only attract and magnetize my in-competencies and sins. People don't know, I am hurt. I am suffering. I am confuse. I am not okay.

These days, I realized many truths about life, that people damn come and go, that there's no permanent thing in the world, that hunger should be satisfied, that parents are the most valuable gems in life, that life is short and we should be happy if we can, that love is hard to gain, that rejection is every where, that whatever you do you can't please people, that whatever you say - you are no good, that you are not enough in society's fucking changing and subjective standards.

Have you ever felt the urge of laughing out for long time?

Have you ever desired to feel the love?

Have you ever showed your weakness to someone you less know?

My dilemma? My pain? My concern?

I hate it when people tell me things I know I need to do. I don't hate people - I hate it because I don't do it right away. Sometimes I want to tell them "Teka, tao lang. Tangina meron bang ibang tao na kaya akong intindihin katulad ng pag intindi ko sa mundo?" but I refused so, and I cut off the drama.

Every morning I wake up, motivate myself that life is good and I need to work and I need to grow and learn.

Every morning I failed to concentrate that "that day" is another day and it should be spent ahead from the yesterday's miseries.

Every morning I love my mom for waking up and surviving another day of life.

Every morning I wished that I can spend longer hours of sleep so I can be rested properly.

Every morning I will play with my dogs because they're so adorable and gentle.

Every morning I feel late and will rush to the public vehicles so I can be on time.

Every morning I put powder and lipstick and pretends to be excited.
Every morning. I am tired.

What am I for? Am I just until here? Am I in my limit?

Seriously. life, people. I am tired. I am not okay. I am broken. I am tired.

I want to rest. I want to feel alive. I want to see how life becomes so beautiful for I am so clueless of it.

I longed for a good laugh. For a real laugh. For a happy and truth laugh.

I longed for a gentle and manly hug. For a companion that will only listen to me, to my pains and my miseries. That's all I need.

I wanted to cry, I wanted this pain to be washed away.

Because I can lend myself to other, and I can do that.

I always think its my fault why people go away from me. Why there's a ground breaking record in my life of failed varieties of relationship and I am afraid. I am afraid to give myself and the world the chance. I am afraid to forgive everyone including myself. I feel like I am being forcefully drowned to the pool of sins and mistakes I made. I don't know.

I just need a companion, a someone that can carefully take out the lone good in me. A companion that can still bring the best in me even if I see myself as a failure of life.

I am 22. About to turn 23.

But I am so sober with this. I feel my shoulders so tight and heavy. I just need a companion.